- a year later from when my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer.
- two weeks since her funeral.
- a week since celebrating her 58th birthday.
Everyone says "it gets easier"...which some days, that is true. Some days it's harder than hell. I found myself crying the other night after looking at the birthday card she gave me this year. She was pretty much already out of it then. She addressed the envelope to me, but signed "Deborah" on the card along with another word that we've yet to figure out. I knew she didn't totally know what she was signing since she would never sign my birthday card "Deborah" any other time.
Unlike my sister Stephanie, mom was alive for my birthday and she won't be around for hers next month. She pretty much lived with mom the 25 years she has been alive so being "alone" is all new to her. We've had our good/bad times and honestly there were quite a few times throughout mom being sick that I couldn't stand Stephanie. Towards the end we made up and we are still getting along. Stephanie was stronger than me towards the end. I couldn't do all the things that mom needed help with...I couldn't adjust her in bed, I couldn't clean her, I couldn't sit by her bed and hold her hand and talk to her like Stephanie could. And when it was time for me to say my "good-byes" I needed Stephanie in the room with me, I was unable to tell mom that it was "OK to go". I'm very grateful to Stephanie for being more involved at the end.
I'm dreading the upcoming holidays. Mom always had Christmas Eve at her house. And the last couple of years we came over, ate, opened presents and spent the night. It's going to be weird not doing that this year. Mike has decided that we will continue this tradition either with Stephanie or at our place. Still won't be the same.
Going to sleep at night has been hard. I stay up much later than I used to. I go to bed, lay down and find myself staring off into darkness for a good hour or more before I actually fall asleep. I'm tired, but I think the darkness and quietness give me trouble. I'm constantly wondering about things and thinking about mom. I wish there was a way that she could communicate and tell us things are OK, she is fine. Death is such a scary thing to me. I can't imagine just not being here. I'm not overly religious so that's probably my problem...although I don't see me becoming overly religious anytime soon either. Organized religion drives me insane!